Consent is Simple as Tea
This past Tuesday, March 12th, there was a debate in the Segovia campus on sexual consent. It is important to raise awareness of issues like these because unfortunately, despite the progress that society has seen, people still go through abusive situations, and often, it is by someone around them or in their social circle.
This is one of the reasons why consent is so important. When you practice any sexual act with someone, you both have to be comfortable and in sync with everything that is being done. Doing something without the other person’s approval is not okay and it should not be kept quiet. Besides, it is important to pay attention to the way the other person is feeling in order to avoid abusive situations and make your partner feel as comfortable as you can.
So, let’s start to the basics. What exactly is consent? How is it given?
There’s a point that the video doesn’t say but I will - not wanting a cup of tea does not have many implications, while not wanting sex always comes with questions and pressure.
So, let us dive in specific situations and how to handle them, how to know whether you are acting correctly and not stepping boundaries, not violating someone’s integrity. Being abused is something that is not easy to forget or get over, and the victim can live with the consequences for a very long time, so it’s important for us to know exactly what we are doing and how consent works.
So without further ado, here are some of the topics that were discussed in the debate:
How do we handle consent when one (or both) parties are drunk?
Well, when it comes to drunkenness, there’s a difference between the person who is receiving the sexual aggressiveness and the one who is doing it. First of all, the consent of the victim/receiving party is compromised. In these cases, saying yes does not mean the same that it would if they were sober. When it comes to the person perpetrating the sexual aggressiveness though, being drunk is not an excuse - “they got drunk and it is their responsibility”. There has to be a line, there will be consequences, and the person needs to know him or herself and how much they can drink before they become aggressive.
A good tip is to go out with friends you trust, and have each other’s back - so if one of you is more intoxicated than you should be, or step out of line, you take care of each other. Give them water, take them home, make sure they are safe. If they are drinking too much or being unhealthy, that is their responsibility. However, we can always help and look out for each other. It is also good to keep in mind that alcohol does not take full effect until one hour after ingesting it, so we have to be conscious of how much we drink.
However, even if we are in a state like that, nothing justifies and there is no excuse for sexual aggressiveness. Consent is still not valid, and whatever happens is not the victim’s fault. If you find yourself one to one with a person that has intentions towards you that are not consented, that is a very uncomfortable situation, and we can't blame ourselves as victims for the reaction, because people react differently and anything can happen - some people freeze, some people use self-defence mechanisms.
What about consent when you’re in a relationship?
In a relationship, communication is key, so first thing to do is to talk to your partner if something is bothering you, if you are feeling forced, or you are not enjoying what they are doing. A relationship is built on respect and trust, and it has to be mutually consented - it goes both ways. So if one member of the relationship is not respecting the other, violating trust and doing something they don't explicitly want, it’s not okay, and it should not be kept quiet.
Relationships should be based on desire and pleasure, so talks like this can become awkward and uncomfortable, but they are important to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner.
How to get out of someone’s house when you’re uncomfortable and the other person prevents you from leaving?
Talking in a friend’s situation here, something that has to be clear is that if the person does something along the lines of that, they are no longer friends, since they are violating your trust. If you are feeling uncomfortable, it means that the person is not respecting you. But for situations like this one, you have to be prepared to make a fuss, stand up to them and make them uncomfortable, because that will make it harder for them to try to do anything with you. If that does not work and it is an extreme situation, you have to take action - whether that means calling someone, even the police, screaming, or defending yourself.
Also, always keep your friends updated on where you are, where you’re going and what you’re up to - get someone you trust to check up on you every once in a while. When we support each other, it makes it harder for a situation like this to happen.
Is persistent flirting a violation of consent?
Whether they are someone you know or not, if you tell them to stop, if it gets to the point in which it aggravates you and they don’t stop, then yes, it is a violation. If you are not explicit though, they might not know that it makes you uncomfortable and what they are doing is wrong, so the key issue here is to just make sure they know.
What about when you’re in a bar or nightclub and someone will not leave you alone?
First thing to do is to change locations. You can't force a person to back away from you if they are being persistent, so change places, get away from them, make them lose sight of you. If the situation persists, do not hesitate to ask for help of the bouncer or someone responsible for the place, or even the police if necessary. Do anything in your power to make sure they are kept away from you and you are safe (or from your friend, if the case is with them).
What happens if a person is being abused in a relationship?
When there is psychological abuse in a relationship, usually the victim is the last one to find out, and there are red flags that other people around you see but you don’t. Pay attention to these signs, if your friends are saying something, look at the facts, seek for advice, and try to take off the goggles that blind you when you have feelings for the person. It is hard to realize that you are in an abusive/toxic/controlling relationship, because you are so blindfolded by love that you don't notice it. You think they are sweet and that whatever they are doing, is for your best, but that is not the case. Go look for help. If your friends see something, there’s clearly something wrong - trust other people’s gut.
If your friend is in a situation and they don't see it as a problem or don't want to seek professional help, you cannot go behind their back unless they are in physical danger - the ideal scenario is to provide them with support and always be there for them when they need it. However, if the person does not want to do it, does not want to look for help, you cannot force them - it is a whole new issue with consent - you cannot do it, you do not have that right.
Lastly, is this something that has been happening on campus? Do students need support with this? And how to receive help?
Well, there’s a difference in receiving help and reporting to the university - you will be the one who decides how to proceed. When you report to uni, it will be a confidential contact, a confidential conversation, and that can be kept anonymous, both for you and anyone else involved in the incident. They will help in the way that you feel more comfortable with, whether that means speaking to a man or a woman, just venting out or getting a clinical psychologist/receiving professional support, or report to someone, being that the police, the ethics committee, or head mentors.
On the other hand, if you have witnessed some form of abuse but it is not with you, try to talk to the person involved and encourage them to come forward and look for help or support - try to be there for them - because if it is a second hand report, there is not much that can be done about it.
In conclusion, what it all comes down to, is that we should never be consenting to someone or something we do not agree with - that being relationship, friendship, one night stand - nothing should be allowed when it comes to violating our dignity and respect. You have the right to preserve your integrity, and if someone puts you in a situation where you feel uncomfortable or threatens you in some way, even if nothing actually happened, there are laws against that, as well as it is against the University’s Code of Ethics. Come forward and do not let your abuser scare you - uni has facilities and support to help you manage it in the best possible way for you.
You should not stay quiet and should not feel ashamed. It is never your fault, and no matter what people tell you, you should not and will not be judged for that.
If you need help, contact the Wellbeing Centre:
wellbeingcenter.ieu@ie.edu