Love under the microscope: Does everybody love the same?
“If those whom we begin to love could know us as we were before meeting them… they could perceive what they have made of us.”- Albert Camus
The ancient Greeks called it ‘the madness of the gods’. Modern scientists would tell you it is a cocktail of brain chemicals responsible for making you feel ‘addict in withdrawal’ symptoms. Certainly, this help explain some of the erratic behaviours associated with love and blame them on physiology, but what about the subjective feeling?
I turned to psychologists to find out an answer, but couldn't find a common definition. It was either a ‘it’s a multifaceted construct', ‘an attitude’, ‘a mate selection process’, or ‘a basic emotion’.
Yet, from such unclear responses I could answer myself that "love" is not clear. It is governed by volatility, it comes in different shades and means different things to different people.
Take Ted and Barney from ‘How I met your mother’: The first - an incurable romantic consumed by finding his soulmate, ready to quickly mend his broken heart and gear up for the next love hunt; Barney, on the other side is the playboy type that easily settles for uncountable one-night stands and dodges commitment. Then, there are Marshall and Lilly, the ideal couple that found the ingredients of a relationship, which psychologists call the consummate love.
Doing some further research I found that Sternberg on 1986 tried to make sense of all these different types by seeing love as standing on three main pillars: intimacy, passion and commitment.
First, Intimacy- refers to the emotions present in a relationship, involves feeling of warmth, closeness, connection, the development of a strong bond as well as care and concern for each-others well-being.
“Intimacy is a process whereby we feel truly seen, known by and connected to our partner,” said Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, a psychotherapist who provides individual and couples counselling in Washington, D.C.
In other words, it is when you let your guard down and let the other person enter your world, despite the risk of getting hurt.
But, Intimacy alone does not mean love, it is friendship or 'liking'. Many fall into the trap of mistaking intimacy for attraction until the sentence ‘Let’s be friends’ shatters all the hope of intimacy there could be.
Second, Passion- is the component that deals with romance and sexual attraction.
Passion is fuelled by desire, the type that torments but energizes. It is when you deeply lust for a person, before knowing their quirks and flaws.
If there is only passion, then there is Infatuation. This is the ‘love at first sight’ phenomenon based solely on passion, that without the intimacy and commitment will most likely consume quickly.
Third there is Commitment- which is mostly based on our cognition or thought processes. It contains both the short-term decision that one loves another and the long-term promise to maintain that love.
Usually with commitment, love moves beyond the feeling and becomes a choice. When the excitement of the novelty starts to fade, the texts become less dense and seeing each other ceases to invigorate, one is left with the choice of pursuit or surrender.
A relationship based on commitment alone is called empty love. The beginning of arranged marriages are mostly based on the decision to be with a person despite a lack of mental and physical connection.
Friendship, infatuation and empty love are only the three basic ways of seeing love, yet there are other more complex ways.
Romantic Love: Intimacy-Passion
This usually happens when two people click both emotionally and physically but refuse to define the relationship and give up the freedom that comes with commitment. Friends with benefits relationships usually fall into this category.
Fatuous Love: Passion-Commitment
The excitement leads to commitment but without putting in the hard work. These are often called ‘whirl-wind relationships’ that lack the stability of intimacy. This can be the realm of casual relationships, or those in which communication is a barrier. It is also where you can find most obsessive girlfriends and controlling boyfriends.
Companionate Love: Intimacy-Commitment
This comes in later stages of a relationship, where there is an established bond. Although the initial glow has gone, partners are united by the care and investment they have for each other.
Everyone knows that married couple sinking in habituality but still choosing to face life’s adversities together. But the lack of passion can leave one craving excitement and seeking it outside the relationship.
Consummate Love: Intimacy-Passion-Commitment
According to Sternberg this is the most complete love, the only based on all the pillars and also, this is Marshall and Lilly's type of love: the type of relationship most people strive for.
Think of that favourite couple everyone looks up to. Their conversations are effortless, their interactions flow with ease as if no one was watching and there is something that naturally draws them to one another. Yet, maintaining consummate love may be harder than achieving it.
Not all relationships fall neatly into these categories. These styles can occur in different degrees and change over the course of a relationship.
Whichever one you fall in, take a minute to reflect on the interplay between the three pillars and cherish your partner for the opportunity to explore and grow besides them intimately, passionately and companionately.
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